FamilyFire

Two Types of Marriage?

This article was first published in ThinkChristian.

I ran across an article from RNS reporting in the first ten years it was available, only 1% of couples getting married chose a government-defined “covenant” marriage over a “regular” marriage.

Apparently in Louisiana (and also Arizona and Arkansas), couples can choose between two types of marriage licenses.

The first, favored by the 99%, is what most states offer as a marriage license, wherein a couple pays their fee, has witnesses and officiant sign off, and go home with a legal marriage that can be terminated with relative ease in a ‘no-fault’ divorce.

The second, a “covenant” marriage, requires more to begin and more to end.  In this arrangement, a couple must receive pre-marital counseling, and if things get difficult, must by law undergo marital counseling before considering divorce. To finalize the divorce, legally, they must be separated for a minimum of two years and have weighty reasons for seeking divorce, such as abuse, infidelity, a felony, or outright abandonment.

Some blame the low adoption rate on clergy who have generally failed to promote the more stringent standard. Interestingly, the Roman Catholic bishops, for example, neither endorsed nor opposed the dual license legislation when it was passed 12 years ago, suggesting that all marriages should be life-long.

Personally, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.

I do favor the higher standard, and would like to see pre-marital counseling a requirement of all marriages, but does it make any sense to legislate it as entirely optional?

Does it make any sense for the state to offer two sorts of licenses for the same thing? It’s like offering two driver’s licenses—one with driver’s training and strict rules of the road and one without. If marriage is a civic institution worth regulating, why two sets of regulation? What value does the state truly place on marriage?

In the end, it seems to me to only reinforce the idea that marriage is a personal contract between two people, devoid of civic or communal impact or input. It seems we already have a double standard of Civic Unions and Marriages.

Speaking Explicitly About Sex

This article first appeared at ThinkChristian.

One of the insider jokes over at ThinkChristian is that one of their top-visited posts even now—month after month consistently in the top five—is several years old. Consistently, search engines lead people to ThinkChristian to discover “Hot Steamy Christian Sex.”

As a writer for TC, one of the ironies is that I actually talk about sex regularly (though TC covers many more topics!). At FamiyFire, we lead marriage enrichment seminars and weekend retreats that cover, among other forms of intimacy, Christian sexuality.  (We once even gave the ‘sex-talk’ to a crowd of couples that included my parents and parents-in-law, which was another set of ironies.)

Sex is God’s idea. He invented sexuality as part of the way we’re supposed to be. He created us as embodied creatures, designed to bear his image and reflect his glory in the unity of body and soul. And the Bible is full of sex, some good, some bad. The Song of Songs, as many an adolescent discovers with shock, a celebration of sex, even hot, steamy, God-honoring sex.

So I’d agree with Joe Beam. No one should have as great and fulfilling a sex life as married Christians.

But you won’t learn that from our culture. Seldom will you see married couples developing rich intimacy emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and especially physically. Our culture teaches that sex is something you take, rather than something you give.  And being surrounded by negative, exploitative images of sexuality, it’s no surprise the church tends to remain silent or even negative on the topic. But we should change that.

Which leads me to mention a website I came across a while back. ChristianNymphos.org is a collection of married Christian women (using pseudonyms) who describe themselves as “women with excessive sexual desire for our husbands!” On their blog, they deal with questions ranging from a theology of sexuality, to a list of sexual positions, to surprisingly detailed sexual techniques. To be honest, the first time I read over a few of their posts I found myself literally blushing at their frankness. They state as their mission:

We are here to say to women everywhere:

“Be fully released to embrace all that God wants for your marriage! Ignite that intimacy with your husband, and grow in Christ together! Witness to others about Jesus, and at the same time, let them see you as a healthy, strong, happily married woman. Be a role model to other young women who need someone to look up to and talk to. Instruct them on marriage and don’t shy away from sexual questions they have. Young women need experienced women to talk to and get sound, Christian advice from. Let us honor God by showing these women what He wants for them in marriage!”

I have not read everything they have to say, but I was impressed at their thoughtful and generally theologically grounded advice to women on some touchy subjects (Using erotica as foreplay, for example, “is a form of pornography in my opinion and it is best be avoided”). Yet they are unafraid to speak frankly, even explicitly, on the issues from a Christian perspective.

As you might gather, this site is not for the feint of heart or underage. They are also clear that some links they list lead to less healthy and God-honoring material. One could choose to abuse their advice. But I respect their work as a ministry to married Christians.

FamilyFire on Lake Michigan, August 2008!

Join us this summer on the beautiful dunes of Lake Michigan for Marriage Enrichment week at the Christian Reformed Conference Grounds.

This lovely retreat center in Grand Haven Michigan will be a relaxing way to enjoy the outdoors and some light-hearted conversation about what it means to be married and how we can actually live our lives together, decade after decade.

We'll begin with worship time on Sunday morning and afternoon and continue with Adult Bible Study Tuesday-Friday mornings. There will be plenty of guided activities and Bible Study time for the kids (not to mention the pool and the Big Lake). So come away for awhile and find refreshment for the whole family!

It all begins Sunday, August 3!

 

FamilyFire Marriage Seminar

Join us for our Free Marriage Seminar!

Join us for our fun & relaxed five-week series from 7-8pm on the Five Tuesdays of October, 2007 at Faith Christian Reformed Church  (8383 171st, Tinley Park, IL 60477).
[Note: this is not Faith Church in Dyer]

If you can't come to them all, drop in for as many as you can!

Bring your kids!
Call 708-532-8300
to reserve Child Care
or email tpfaithcrc@sbcglobal.net

Questions or comments?
Email Steven & Deb: kosts@koster.com .

Listen to the Radio Ads from Shine.FM
Play Radio Ad 01
Play Radio Ad 02
Play Radio Ad 03

Fences and In-Laws

We’ve often heard it said: “Good fences make good neighbors.”

There are a lot of places in our lives that we need to set good boundaries.  One of the most significant places is with parents and in-laws. 

We all have emotional connections to our parents.  How our parents handled difficulties and how they made decisions will affect how we act in our marriage.

But sooner or later, the emotional connection we have with our parents may cause tension with our spouse. 

Praying Together

In marriage, as we grow closer together as we grow closer to God. 

Many couples are uncomfortable with praying together because prayer creates an emotional nakedness.

But this spiritual vulnerability is a powerful tool for building intimacy in marriage. 

Everyday Evangelism

What do you think of when you think of evangelism? 

Do we need to go door to door to share our faith?

The Great Commission in Matthew 28 tells us that we’re supposed to go into all the world and make disciples of Jesus Christ.  But how in the world are we supposed to do that?

The good news is that we don’t need to stress about going door to door and coldly walking through an assigned set of questions to share our faith. 

Talking to Kids about Sex

Sooner or later, your kids will ask about the birds and the bees.

Does the idea of talking to your kids about sex make you break out in a sweat and start trembling?

Those conversations can be really uncomfortable but we can’t leave this job to the school or the church. 

New Parents!

When a new baby enters your house, a lot of new issues come along too.

Many parents struggle with knowing if their new baby should be picked up and comforted every time he cries, or whether it’s good to let the baby to cry it out sometimes.

Unfortunately, Scripture doesn’t tell us how to handle all the minute-by-minute issues of parenting and kids don’t come with a guidebook. All of this uncertainty can cause conflict in the house, especially if the parents have different approaches to parenting.

Rules for Fair Fighting: #7

How well do you give and receive constructive criticism?

Giving criticism in love can lead to transformation, but criticism apart from love is condemnation. 

This is why our seventh rule of fair fighting is Seek to Build.

There will be times in our marriage when we need to challenge our spouse.  But how we address hurtful or inconsistent behavior is crucial.