FamilyFire

Rules for Fair Fighting: #6

Our sixth rule is to take it down: You don't want to escalate the problem, so we will strive to lower our volume instead of raising it, keeping our tone gentle.

Prov15:1 -- A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

We need to keep our emotions in check so we can be a non-anxious presence in the midst of a conflict. If we can avoid escalating the conflict by keeping ourselves calm, we are in a better frame of mind to understand the conflict through our spouses point of view.

Prov15:18 -- A hot tempered man stirs up dissention, but a patient man calms a quarrel Our seventh rule is seek to build. We will give and receive criticism constructively.

Eph 4:15 -- Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.

Prov 15:31-- He who listens to life giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.

Rules for Fair Fighting: #5

Our fifth rule is to keep it private. We will never quarrel or reveal private matters in public. We will also keep our children out of our conflicts. Your kids do not need their home to be a battleground. It is unhealthy for our kids to be pulled into dealing with adults' issues. There should be no third party in marriage. We should not be sharing personal information about our spouse or our conflict with coworkers or friends.

Matt 18:15 -- If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.

Rules for Fair Fighting: #4

Our fourth rule is check your weapons. You can say things that do real damage, things you;ll regret later. So we will be careful not to attack our spouse with deadly emotional force. When we get to know our spouses, we also learn their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. We need to be careful not to betray our spouses trust in the heat of an argument. We should never stoop to name-calling, cursing, or harmful generalizations. Remember, you are not out to annihilate your spouse. 

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Eph. 4:29 -- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up

Rules for Fair Fighting: #3

Our third rule is shut up and listen. We all want to be heard, but you can't hear when you're talking! We want to feel that someone understands us, so we will seek to listen without interruption or judgment. We grow in our emotional connectedness as we listen to one another and carry our burdens together. As your mother used to say, you have two ears to listen and only one mouth to speak! Rather working to get your point across and convincing our spouse why they are wrong, focus on seeing the world from your spouse's point of view.

James 1:19 -- Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Rules for Fair Fighting: #2

We learned in rule number one that conflict is normal so we need to learn to engage it instead of avoiding it.

So here is rule #2: No running

We need to stop running away from conflict since it is a natural aspect of a healthy marriage. Maybe you are like me and walk out of the room when the argument is working in your favor. Which only makes it a moving fight as the argument continues from room to room! Or maybe you run by hiding from facing conflict.

We hide in many different ways. Sometimes we hide by giving our spouse the silent treatment refusing to discuss the subject while we wallow in our anger. Sometimes it is pretending that everything is okay while we withdraw emotionally from the relationship.

We need to sit down and discuss our concerns in the moment to avoid building walls that will separate us from our spouse. If we find that the time is not appropriate for discussing our concerns, then we need to acknowledge the emotional  concern and schedule another time to discuss the issue.

Ephesians 4:26 states Be angry, but do not sin in your anger. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

It is important to address the concerns we carry on our hearts and allow our spouse the opportunity to bear our burden with us.Sometimes we think we are protecting our spouse by not burdening them with our heartache. The reality is that we are only robbing our marriage of genuine intimacy.

To run from conflict will never resolve it. If we build up a reservoir of unresolved conflict it will wear us down inside and it will only be a matter of time until it overflows to damage your spouse and your relationship.

Rules for Fair Fighting: Rule #1

We all fight with our loved ones. It's natural, even healthy if handled well. But there are some basic rules to keep in mind when we fight to keep disagreements from turning ugly. 

Here's Rule #1: No Winning

When we fight, we need to remember that the point is to understand each other, not dominate each other. You are not out to win a victory over the other person, but to build your realtionship.

• Prov. 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered

My wife came to me once and said, "hey, we bounced a check!" My reaction was first to say, "What? It's not my fault!" and second to say, "It's probably your fault!" I was both defensive and blaming. Neither reaction was helpful.

• Eph 5.28 Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

A better reaction would have been to say, "Ouch! that hurts. What should we do about it?" I should have been trying to see things her way and work for a common solution, not just cover my own rear end.

• Matt 20.25 The gentiles Lord it over each other, not so with you

Placing blame and being right might make me feel better, but it doesn’t build anything between us. We will fight sooner or later, and we will fight fair if we seek to build, rather than win!

Fighting Fair

It's sad, but true. We always fight with the ones we love. We are imperfect people, and imperfect people screw up and get angry with one another. As every newlywed coule learns sooner or later, no matter how much we love each other, we will have a conflict with those close to us.

So it's not a matter of if we fight, but when we fight. When I was growing up, fighting was bad. Anger was a no-no. We didn't see occasional anger as a natural part of being together, so we didn't always say what we meant, and we weren't always honest with each other. We were too scared of having a fight.

And the result of avoiding one another is not peace, but distance. You can either face the conflict together and get through it together, or you can retreat from it and stay apart. Retreat enough times, and you'll wonder why you bother trying to be together.

So, we should expect to fight with our loved ones from time to time. It can even be a sign of a healthy relationship if it's handled well. The real key is not if, or when, but how. They way we fight determines if we build or destroy our relationship.

We have some guidelines we call the TEN RULES FOR FAIR FIGHTING. Stay tuned for some tips next time at Family Fire!